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no-hitting newshour
By | September 29, 2009
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take care, t.c.b.
oh!
Situation: Your child has just run out into traffic. Or: thrown a golf ball at the picture window. Or: stolen a toy from a store. Or: peed on the couch. Or: spit at their brother. Or: turned up the tv, after you told them to turn it off. Or: hidden their eggplant casserole in their napkin and tried to sneak away to the bathroom to flush it, then told a preposterous lie to blame it on someone else. Or: thrown a violent screaming tantrum, possibly involving swear words or throwing things, in the candy aisle of the grocery store, in the doorway of the preschool, in the church parking lot, and/or in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. How do you respond?
a) pull out your cell phone and take a photo.
b) pull out your cell phone and dial 911.
c) point out to them that their behavior is highly illogical.
d) hit them.
hitting kids is in the news these days, all over the world. my personal suspicion is that the past decade’s worsening levels of warfare and economic meltdown have been stressing out the world in general, leading both to more family violence and to more concern about it. here are some recent newsbites:
Researcher Murray Straus found that younger children who were spanked scored an average of five points lower on their IQs, compared to children in their age group whose parents did not believe in corporal punishment… This was the third major U.S. study released this year showing a correlation between physical discipline and a child’s intelligence. “To put it in a nutshell, corporal punishment slows down the rate of development of mental ability,” Straus said in a telephone interview from San Diego. “All the kids got smarter because they got older, but the ones who were spanked, less so.”
Published in this month’s issue of the journal Child Development, [a] study of 2,573 toddlers enrolled in Head Start found that… early and frequent spanking – by the age of 1 – is not only very common, but it also makes their behavior at age 2 more aggressive and by age 3 appears to have slowed their socio-emotional development. They also found that a low-income mother is most likely to start spanking a very fussy, irritable baby by the age of 1, and more likely still if the mother is depressed. Boys were spanked and yelled at more often than girls.
…The American Academy of Pediatrics in 1998 issued a recommendation that parents find means to correct children’s behavior other than corporal punishment. A large body of evidence suggests the practice is seldom effective and may have negative effects.
A Cincinnati woman has been charged with assault for spanking a two-year-old that was not her child. Police say Gloria Ballard encountered the young boy and his mother Dannay Jones at a Salvation Army store. Jones says her son was misbehaving and talking back to her when Ballard approached and told the mother to silence the child. When an angered Jones responded, Ballard is accused of grabbing the child, bending him over her leg and spanking him up to four times.
After being arraigned, Ballard told reporters outside the courtroom that she only tapped the child on the behind… Claiming that she gave the child love, affection and attention, Ballard then put a bear hug on a reporter and tapped him on the rear to show what she had done.
A Gwinnett County [Georgia] man is in custody accused of slapping a stranger’s crying toddler in a Stone Mountain Wal-Mart on Monday. Sonya Mathews, the mother of the 2-year-old child, told police that both were walking in the aisles of the Rockbridge Road store when Roger Stephens, 61, approached and said “If you don’t shut that baby up, I will shut her up for you.” …Stephens was charged with felony cruelty to children.
The Ohio Legislature is close to passing a law that would make it legal to spank other people’s children. “Well, it’s obvious the parents aren’t going to do it,” said state Sen. Harold Shotmeyer, R-Canton.
A 27-year-old Pine Bluff woman who allegedly used a cord to spank her son got a stern lecture from a Jefferson County circuit judge Wednesday, as well as the possibility of felony charges… Judge Berlin Jones [said]… “The concern this court has is that there were some welts in the child’s face that should not have been there.” Jones ruled that prosecutors had probable cause to charge [the mother] with second-degree domestic battery.
A study released Tuesday [8/19/08] by doctors at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill finds that… parents are much more likely to beat, burn or shake their children if they spank frequently… “Parents get angry when they’re spanking and it’s not working,” said Adam Zolotor, lead author of the study and a pediatrician at the UNC-CH’s Department of Family Health. “If a child gets spanked so often, they just don’t care anymore and will misbehave anyway.”
…12 percent of [parents] who spanked 50 or more times in the last year admitted abuse such as beating, burning, shaking or hitting the child with an object about their body… “People want to change behavior immediately, and they think spanking is the way to go,” said Tom Vitaglione, a child advocate from Raleigh-based Action for Children who has pushed for the statewide ban on spanking in schools. “Down the line, though, these children do far worse. That relationship of trust is broken.”
An outraged mother said she plans to press criminal charges against the public school official she claimed beat her daughter leaving her with several bruises… Her 15-year-old daughter… said she had been hit on the neck, back, arm and buttocks by an administrator. The teen claimed the school official beat her with a metal rod wrapped in black tape because she thought she was skipping class.
More than 200,000 U.S. schoolchildren were subjected to corporal punishment during the 2006-2007 school year, [a] study shows… Paddlings in school are still legal in 20 states… In the saddest finding of the ACLU study, children with disabilities, especially autism, drew corporal punishment at a far higher rate than others, the study found. Children with autism were often punished for behaviors linked to the condition, because teachers lacked the knowledge, training or patience to use other methods of behavior control.
A former Perry Township [Indana] teacher accused of twice striking a disabled student asked a judge Monday to dismiss his felony battery charges. Thomas E. Cripe’s attorneys cited Indiana’s corporal punishment protections for educators. …Cripe’s student was a 20-year-old man with autism and severe mental retardation.
The Decatur County [Georgia] Board of Education has opted to keep its existing corporal punishment policy, ending a seven-month suspension of the practice in local public schools… after a Feb. 6 incident in which an assistant principal was judged to have used excessive force in disciplining a student.
At least 818 Chicago Public School students, since 2003… allege being battered by a teacher or an aide, coach, security guard, or even a principal. In most of those cases – 568 of them – Chicago Public School investigators determined the children were telling the truth… Investigators found reports of students beaten with broomsticks, whipped with belts, yard sticks, struck with staplers, choked, stomped on and pushed down stairs… Of the 568 verified cases, only 24 led to [teacher] termination.
A teacher in Thailand was captured on film beating a 14-year-old student and bashing his head against a blackboard, sparking national outrage… “I won’t do it anymore,” the boy screamed after the teacher slammed his head at least four times against the blackboard as his classmates watched, occasionally giggling.
Parental consent or even request for corporal punishment of students for misconduct has no law-binding basis therefore the act of punishment will still be considered illegal, said Taipei County [Taiwan] department of education (DOE) yesterday.
The Terre des Hommes children’s rights organisation has called for more public debate in Switzerland on the issue of children and corporal punishment… pointing out that Switzerland was not among the 19 European countries that have completely banned the practice.
“If you beat a dog it is mistreatment, if you beat an adult it is a criminal offence but if you beat a child it’s considered in the family as being for the child’s own good,” noted Elda Moreno from the Council of Europe’s Children’s Rights Committee. “We want to get rid of this perverse idea.”
The three [Filipino] House panels on revision of laws, welfare of children and appropriations, unanimously approved House Bill 6699 or the so-called Anti Corporal Punishment Act of 2009… HB 6699 prohibits all corporal punishment and all other forms of humiliating or degrading punishment of children in homes, schools and other places.
Outdated language used to justify corporal punishment of children is set to be removed from new translations of the Christian Bible in Norway. Church leaders… [will] replace the word “chastisement” with more appropriate language reflecting its original and intended meaning. Ombudsman Reidar Hjermann found that children subjected to physical harm, who had contacted his office, believed violence may be authorised by the Bible.
Thirteen countries have abolished all corporal punishment of children – Sweden (1979), Finland (1983), Denmark (1986), Norway (1987), Austria (1989), Cyprus (1994), Latvia (1998), Croatia (1999), Israel (2000), Germany (2000), Iceland (2003) and, most recently, Ukraine (2004) and Romania (2004).
oregon law: An individual who is a teacher, administrator, school employee or school volunteer may use reasonable physical force upon a student when and to the extent the individual reasonably believes it necessary to maintain order in the school or classroom or at a school activity or event, whether or not it is held on school property… The authority to discipline a student does not authorize the infliction of corporal punishment… “Corporal punishment” means the willful infliction of, or willfully causing the infliction of, physical pain on a student.
more oregon law: A parent, guardian or other person entrusted with the care and supervision of a minor or an incompetent person may use reasonable physical force upon such minor or incompetent person when and to the extent the person reasonably believes it necessary to maintain discipline or to promote the welfare of the minor or incompetent person.
A northwestern Oregon man who used a shock collar for dogs on his young children has been sentenced to three years of supervised probation… He also is barred from using corporal punishment and participating in physical play with children. Investigators say Marcum used the electronic collar to shock his four children – ages 3 to 9 – last spring because he thought it was funny.
Half a Dozen Reasons Not to Hit* Kids
1. If you don’t hit them, you can teach them not to hit other people themselves, and they’ll listen.
2. If you don’t hit them, you can teach them to be sorry for their mistakes, instead of angry at you.
2. If you don’t hit them, you preserve your home as a safe place for kids.
3. If you don’t hit them, you don’t risk unintentionally injuring them.
4. If you don’t hit them, you don’t send their stress level – or yours – out of control.
5. If you don’t hit them, you don’t trigger your own sad/ mad/ bad memories of childhood.
6. If you don’t hit them, you can set a good example of smart, creative, and fair conflict resolution.
(when i say “hit,” i also mean swat, paddle, tap, slap, pinch, switch, spank, strike, punch, shake, shove, drag, choke, tie up, tape down, threaten, menace, curse, hold hostage, or otherwise treat a child in any way that would be against the law, if it were done to an adult or to an animal.)
however… as you know… kids misbehave.
our original example was drawn straight from real life:
Your child has just run out into traffic.
Or: stolen a toy from a store.
Or: thrown a golf ball at the picture window.
Or: peed on the couch.
Or: spit at their brother in the back seat.
Or: turned up the tv, after you told them to turn it off.
Or: hidden their eggplant casserole in their napkin and tried to sneak away to the bathroom to flush it, then told a preposterous lie blaming it on someone else.
Or: thrown a violent screaming tantrum, possibly involving swear words and/or throwing things, in the candy aisle of the grocery store, the hallway of the preschool, the lobby of the church, and/or the waiting line at the doctor’s office.
What do you do?
here is my advice.
you need a two-step approach: first step, in the heat of the moment. second step, after the dust settles.
In the heat of the moment:
1. Count to ten. Literally count to ten. Relax your shoulders. Do not flip out.
2. If anyone is in immediate physical danger:
- Calmly, swiftly, pick up your child in your arms and carry them away from the scene. Do not shout at them, drag them, or otherwise enable violent behavior during the removal.
- If they are yelling and thrashing on the ground/floor, ensure their safety (so nothing will fall on them), quietly sit down within arm’s reach, and let them tantrum until they stop.
- If they are running away from you or otherwise making it impossible to ensure their safety, wrap your arms around them and hold them on your lap (immobilize their arms and legs) until they stop. (Be prepared to avoid head-butting and biting, since your child is not thinking rationally at this time.)
3. If the problem is naughty behavior:
- First, calmly state what you see happening. “I see you colored on my computer screen.” “I see you have a bike that does not belong to you.” “I see you put salsa on the cat.”
- Then, calmly make them observe the result of their actions. “Look at this mess. It is gross.” “Look at Rashan. He’s crying because it hurt when you bit him.” “Look at my jewelry box. It won’t close because the lid is broken now.”
- Finally, teach them how to fix the damage or make amends immediately. You can offer to help. “That sounded like a lie. I want you to tell me the truth now.” “That was a mean thing to say. Take it back.” “That’s Pema’s hat. Give it back to her and say ‘I’m sorry I took your hat.’ I’ll come with you.” “You tore up Grandma’s picture. I want you to write a letter to her right now, telling her you’re sorry. We can mail it together.” If they are too upset to follow instructions, go over it again with them after they’ve calmed down.
To summarize: In the heat of the moment,
1. Count to ten. Calm down.
2. Ensure safety.
3. State what you see.
4. Make them observe the result of their actions.
5. Teach them how to fix the damage or make amends.
Debriefing – when the dust has settled:
Take a few minutes by yourself to think. Why did your child act out in that way – in that place – at that time? If you can figure this out, and especially if you see a pattern of behavior, maybe you can make a plan that will reduce problems in the future.
Here are some common issues:
Is the child stressed out?
Diet: Too much junk food/sugar/artificial colors and flavors? Solution: reevaluate diet, and change shopping list as needed.
Sleep: Not enough? Overtired? Bad dreams? Scared of the dark? Solution: adjust sleep arrangements.
Attention: Not enough? Less “one-on-one” time with you lately? Consider: Do you read to your child? Do you color with them? Play in the bath with them? Solution: set aside one or two times daily when you will provide one-on-one attention to the child.
Violence: Recent violent games, shows, or movies? Has the child been bullied at home, at school, or with other caregivers? Have they witnessed abuse and violence? Your child is very unlikely to tell you about this! Solution: Restrict or eliminate violent television and games. Ask your child, often, how they are treated by others. Supervise, observe, and monitor. Do not behave or speak violently yourself.
Is the environment a problem?
Hazards: Reduce them! Is the environment baby- and child-proofed for safety?
Chaos: Reduce it! Is the house quiet after bedtime? Do you eat meals together as a family, with no arguments allowed? Does each family member have a private space of their own, large or small, that is respected? Do all family members follow the same “House Rules”?
Temptations: Reduce them! Can you prevent misbehavior by storing pens and pencils, cellphones, television/stereo/ computer controls, makeup/hair products/ jewelry, etc, where the child can’t see them or reach them? Keep items that cannot be shared out of sight (example, older siblings’ private property).
Is the child behaving normally?
Imitation: Is the child trying to act like a grownup or older child? This is normal learning behavior. Solution: Provide better role models for your child (friends, movies, stories); restrict or eliminate contact with poor role models (friends, movies,stories). Explain the reasons why you disapprove of specific bad behavior, and why you approve of specific good behavior.
Experimentation: Is the child trying something new, risky, or interesting, without realizing it will cause trouble? This is normal creative behavior. Solution: Explain, in terms the child can understand, what were the unexpected results of their behavior.
Protest: Is the child reacting against activities/foods/clothing they hate? This is normal self-respecting behavior. Solution: Analyze the situation: how important is the activity/food/clothing? If it’s not very important (for example, string beans), is there a choice you could reasonably offer the child (would you rather have string beans or carrots)? If it is very important (for example, going to the babysitter), can you make a compromise (we have to go to Mrs. Grundy’s house now, but you can pick 2 toys to bring with you)? Try to offer a fair deal that your child can understand. Note: your child will expect the right to reject your offer, just as you have that right when they try to bargain with you. That’s just how bargaining works. Kids have a strong sense of fairness.
You will notice that all of these approaches involve a lot of explaining. As a wise fella once said, “Kids don’t have any ear-lids, so you can just keep telling them what you want them to learn.”
It’s always a good idea to make a plan, write down your plan, and know how you will tell if your plan has succeeded.
I also recommend having a short set of simple “House Rules” that apply to everyone, that each family member understands and can remember. For example:
1) No Hitting. 2) No Threats. 3) Put Your Dishes in the Dishwasher.
…Or whatever works for your family.
The reality is that kids do not want to be in trouble, any more than adults want to be jerks. Kids want to be respected and admired and loved – to “feel right” in the world. Imitation, experimentation, and protest are the natural parts of their learning. Unless they have serious developmental or psychological challenges to deal with, they will try to play by the unwritten rules as they understand them. Unfortunately, sometimes the unwritten rules seem to say “Might makes right” and “Look out for Number One,” instead of “Treat others as you’d want to be treated” and “We’re all in this together.”
The good news is, when you start out by figuring out why children misbehave, there are a million ways to resolve conflicts. When you start out by hitting, there’s only one – and it doesn’t even work!
Good luck.
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